Reluctant to reconnect with an old friend? This B.C. study might help you understand why
Have you ever wanted to rekindle an old friendship, but stopped short of actually reaching out?
If so, you're not alone – a joint-study from psychologists in B.C. and the U.K. has found many people are as hesitant to contact an old friend as they would be striking up a conversation with a total stranger.
Daunting as it can be to take the plunge, study co-author Dr. Lara Aknin, a professor at Simon Fraser University, did just that two years ago and reconnected with her friend Dr. Gillian Sandstrom at the University of Sussex.
All it took was a message on New Year’s Day.
“I reached out to Gillian and said, ‘Happy New Year, I miss you,’” Aknin said.
The two psychologists, who met years earlier as graduate students at the University of British Columbia, ultimately decided they would work on a project together – and fittingly chose to explore the ways people re-spark friendships.
What they quickly realized was many of us are stubbornly unwilling to call, text or email the people who used to play a meaningful role in our lives.
“So the project became an effort to document that, to try to understand it, and to perhaps help people overcome it,” Aknin said.
Fear of being an 'imposition'
For their research paper, the co-authors conducted a series of studies involving nearly 2,500 combined participants, with the first shedding light on how common lapsed friendships are, even among young adults.
Of the 441 university students surveyed for that initial study, just 40 of them – or about nine per cent – said they had never lost touch with an “old friend,” defined as someone they remained fond of and still cared about.
Yet the vast majority of the 91 per cent who had lost touch with someone expressed feeling either neutral or negative about the idea of reaching out, for a host of complicated reasons.
“At the top of the list was the concern, or the fear, that reaching out after all this time might be awkward, and that their friend might not be interested in hearing from them,” Aknin said.
“They were just worried that they would be an imposition in their friend’s life.”
Guilt over having drifted apart was another powerful psychological hurdle holding people back.
Dr. Lara Aknin, left, and Dr. Gillian Sandstrom met at graduate school at UBC. (Source: SFU)
Interestingly, a follow-up study found people were much more enthusiastic about the idea of an old friend contacting them out of the blue instead.
“People were way more interested in reconnection when they were imagining hearing from an old friend, which I think suggests that people are not aversive to the idea of reconnection, they just maybe don’t want to be the one to initiate it,” Aknin said.
Are old friends just strangers?
For another of the studies, 453 participants were asked to draft a message to an estranged friend as an exercise – before the researchers encouraged them to actually hit send.
Fewer than one-third of them followed through.
That was the case even though the participants “wanted to reconnect” with their friend, believed their friend “wanted to hear from them,” and had the person’s contact information, according to the paper.
Aknin and Sandstrom theorized that part of the reason for that apprehension is that, over time, we start to view old friends as strangers – and many of us are averse to approaching people we don’t know, fearing we won’t know what to say or won’t enjoy the conversation.
But contrary to those common worries, research has found even brief conversations with strangers actually tend to “boost short-term happiness," the co-authors noted.
For their last study, the psychologists used a method shown to ease those types of anxieties – a sort of "warm-up" exercise where participants spent a few minutes chatting with people they're currently close with.
Those who did were much more willing to then go out on a limb and message a long-lost friend.
“Just over 50 per cent of people who had done their warm-up activity sent the message, compared to around 30 per cent (who had not) – so that increased reaching-out rates by almost two-thirds,” Aknin said.
Friendships are among the most reliable ways we can improve our well-being, according to the psychologists, who suggested the neglected contacts who are already in our phones might be “very safe choices” for seeking out those connections.
It certainly worked out for Aknin and Sandstrom.
“We went from not talking for probably a year or two to being in contact probably once a week, on average,” Aknin said. “That was a true delight.”
Are old friends really strangers, after all? Or might they be the same people you got along with so well to begin with?
There’s only one way to find out.
CTVNews.ca Top Stories
NDP wants Liberals to scrap proposed election date change that could secure pensions for many MPs
The federal New Democrats want to amend the Liberal government's electoral reform legislation to scrap the proposal to push back the vote by a week and consequently secure pensions for dozens of MPs, CTV News has learned.
Drive one of these vehicles? You may pay 37 per cent more than average insurance costs due to thefts
As the number of auto theft incidents rises in Canada, so have insurance premiums for drivers, even the ones whose vehicles aren't stolen.
Doug Ford suggests immigrants behind Jewish school shooting
Ontario Premier Doug Ford suggested immigrants are to blame for the shooting of an empty Jewish school in Toronto over the weekend, despite police saying they have little information on the suspects.
Supreme Court won't hear appeal in Montreal brainwashing experiments case
The Supreme Court of Canada will not review a Quebec ruling that bars people from suing the U.S. government in Canada over its role in notorious brainwashing experiments at a Montreal psychiatric hospital.
Donald Trump can sue niece over NY Times article, court rules
A New York state appeals court said Donald Trump can sue his niece Mary Trump for giving the New York Times information for its Pulitzer Prize-winning 2018 probe into his finances and his alleged effort to avoid taxes.
Shania Twain shares how she forgave her ex-husband's cheating: 'It's his mistake'
Shania Twain recently addressed the infidelity that rocked her marriage to Robert 'Mutt' Lange, whom she divorced in 2010 after he had an affair with her friend, Marie-Anne Thiébaud.
Teen pleads guilty to manslaughter in death of homeless man in downtown Toronto
One of eight teen girls charged in the death of a homeless man in downtown Toronto has pleaded guilty to manslaughter.
Princess of Wales to miss major military display next month amid cancer treatment
Catherine, Princess of Wales, will not be returning to royal duties with an appearance at the Colonel’s Review, a military parade in London in early June, as she continues her treatment for cancer.
Police arrest 19-year-old suspect after Montreal triple homicide
Police have made an arrest following a deadly street fight that ended with three people killed in Montreal's Plateau-Mont-Royal borough last week.