An officer once charged with murder in a shooting outside a local casino struggled in the years that followed, he says in a police-produced podcast.

Const. Jordan MacWilliams spoke to Delta B.C. Police Chief Neil Dubord in a two-part episode of the force's podcast, "Bend Don't Break."

The podcast, launched in November, features interviews with officers and other first responders who've faced challenges on- and off-duty, Delta PD says.

The idea came from Const. Aaron Hill, who spoke at length in the first episode about facing an allegation of excessive force at the same time as being diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.

"They called me and said I was being investigated for deceit… I was really concerned about what my peers would think of me," Hill recalled in an interview with CTV News Friday.

"Just actually talking about it, there's healing there."

Dubord, who conducts the interviews, understands the benefits.

"When you share things like that that are so intimate, you do build that bond, so it's great for all of us to have that appreciation of each other," he said.

So far, the force has produced three episodes, two of which surround MacWilliams's story.

"I can't think of anyone better to talk about resiliency," Dubord says in the show's second episode.

The constable who has been with Delta PD for 12 years was once charged with murder. The charge was ultimately stayed, but he struggled in the years that followed the fatal shooting.

"I don't have an axe to grind, I just want to help people learn through what I went through," MacWilliams told CTV.

"If you are struggling, don't hesitate to reach out to people and talk about what you're going through because people want to help you and to support you."
 

'It was going to end badly': The Starlight Casino shooting

His story began the evening of Nov. 8, 2012.

MacWilliams was among dozens of officers called to the Starlight Casino in New Westminster for reports of a distressed man armed with a gun who had taken his ex-girlfriend hostage.

"I was concerned, obviously, that she was in imminent harm and that we needed to do something right away, but I also didn't know whether this was a domestic, a hostage taking or a suicidal person," MacWilliams recalled.

Read the hostage's version of events in this article from 2015.

When they arrived on scene, they identified 48-year-old Mehrdad Bayrami as the alleged gunman. What followed was a tense five-hour standoff that ended with MacWilliams shooting the suspect.

In the podcast, MacWilliams describes step-by-step the actions he says officers took during that standoff, from rescuing the victim to attempts at negotiation.

"They'd spoken to him on his phone, which he threw away. They spoke to him on a phone we delivered to him with a robot. And the only things that he would say to them were he'd only speak with the victim and he'd be leaving in a body bag," MacWilliams said.

"I believed based on what I was seeing that it was going to end badly."

At the same time, he explains what was going through his mind at the time.

"I'm thinking to myself, 'OK Jordan, if he points the gun at us, you're going to have to shoot him," MacWilliams recalled during the podcast.

"He lowers the gun, and now he's pointing the gun right at us. He's pointing the gun at me and my friends, and I fired. I shot him."

Medics provided first aid and Bayrami was rushed to hospital. He did not survive.
 

MacWilliams charged with murder

What followed was what Dubord described as a three-year "roller-coaster ride."

MacWilliams said he felt a flood of emotions and thoughts as he watched Bayrami be taken away in a stretcher.

"I joined policing because I wanted to do good things… Obviously as a good person you struggle with the thought of hurting somebody else – especially killing somebody else," he said.

The province's police watchdog was called to investigate, and sent reports to Crown. A second-degree murder charge was approved in October 2014, with B.C.'s Criminal Justice Branch saying video evidence was a key factor in the decision.

MacWilliams said he remembers the day his lawyer told him about the charge. He said he felt stunned and shocked, then started to question himself.

"I'm thinking, 'I must remember wrong. I must have made a mistake. What did I do?'" he said.

But when he watched the video of the incident, what he remembered was what happened, he said.

After speaking to 35 witnesses and receiving additional information, the Crown decided to drop the charge.

Even years later, MacWilliams struggled to find the words for how he felt when he heard the news.

Read more about the reasoning in this article from 2015.
 

'I wasn't managing it well.'

MacWilliams said the time between the shooting and the charge being dropped was a challenge, and says he didn't do a good job at being resilient.

"I did learn later how to do better, but I wasn't a very good husband. I wasn't a very good dad. I drank too much… I was waiting and it was difficult and I wasn't managing it well," he said.

He said he wished, looking back, that he'd done better at opening up about his feelings about the shooting and the charge. He spoke to his doctor but wasn't forthcoming, even when warned his blood pressure was high.

MacWilliams describes an unrelated incident that brought him to tears at work, then reaching a "crisis point" in the week he was charged.

"Because it was so obvious and so public, I got an incredible amount of support from the people I work with, from my family, from my friends," he said.

"That baseline of support was what enabled me to be resilient."

At night, he lay awake thinking about going to prison, but he knew something had to change. Admitting he was making it sound easier than it was, he said he chose to have a positive outlook – the only factor he could control at the time.

"I knew if I didn't, I would crumble."

More information on the podcast, including how to subscribe, is available on the Delta police website. Upcoming guests include former Abbotsford police chief Bob Rich and former Fort McMurray fire chief Darby Allen.